Apologies

“Right actions in the future are the best apologies for bad actions in the past.” – Tryon Edwards

 

In my life, I have given countless apologies. I've apologized for my behaviors, my actions, the way I am as a person, my faults, my reaction to situations, my lateness, for the person I used to be and sometimes I've apologized for no reason at all. I just felt obligated so to curb my uncomfortableness… I apologized. 

On April 25th, 2017, one year and four months after I decided I would fight my depression with all the strength I had…. I realized something profound. I never apologized to myself. Not once. I've apologized to the whole world and continue to do so for even the smallest things but never have I ever (even once) apologized to myself. Therefore, this post is dedicated to saying sorry to myself and to the person I fought so hard to become.


I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I hated you for so long. I'm sorry that I never let you reach your potential but instead made you focus on everything small flaw about yourself. I'm sorry I subjected you to so much anxiety to the point where you couldn't sleep. For spinning every bad scenario in your head I possibly could. I'm sorry that I never let you be truly happy for even one second without reminding you of something you did wrong. As I write this, I'm truly ashamed of everything I've put you through. I'm sorry I didn't tell you that some people aren't worth your time and the fact that they walked away was actually a stroke of luck. I'm sorry that even to this day I don't let you be proud of yourself for how far you've come. I always make you dwell in negativity and try to drown you in your fears. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you that the sky was the limit and that you are amazing. I'm sorry I made you feel so alone when you didn't have to.

'm sorry I sucked all the confidence out of you and told you repeatedly that you would make a fool of yourself. I'm sorry I never made you realize your worth.
 

Here is the reality.
 

You are awesome. You are hard working, strong, focused, compassionate and a loving human being. I'm sorry it took so long for me to discover that. I'm sorry that I let you go for so long. I'm here now and I promise I will do everything in my power to ensure that you never feel this way again. Even if you do, I won't beat you up about it instead I'll be patient with you. I'll be here and keep reminding you that what you feel is just a feeling. I'll attack you with positivity and shower you with encouragement. When you do well and achieve a goal I'll let you truly feel that joy. I'll make sure you live in the moment. Most of all, I'll make sure you never give up.

© 2019 by MannMukti