Apologies

“Right actions in the future are the best apologies for bad actions in the past.” – Tryon Edwards

 

In my life, I have given countless apologies. I've apologized for my behaviors, my actions, the way I am as a person, my faults, my reaction to situations, my lateness, for the person I used to be and sometimes I've apologized for no reason at all. I just felt obligated so to curb my uncomfortableness… I apologized. 

On April 25th, 2017, one year and four months after I decided I would fight my depression with all the strength I had…. I realized something profound. I never apologized to myself. Not once. I've apologized to the whole world and continue to do so for even the smallest things but never have I ever (even once) apologized to myself. Therefore, this post is dedicated to saying sorry to myself and to the person I fought so hard to become.


I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I hated you for so long. I'm sorry that I never let you reach your potential but instead made you focus on everything small flaw about yourself. I'm sorry I subjected you to so much anxiety to the point where you couldn't sleep. For spinning every bad scenario in your head I possibly could. I'm sorry that I never let you be truly happy for even one second without reminding you of something you did wrong. As I write this, I'm truly ashamed of everything I've put you through. I'm sorry I didn't tell you that some people aren't worth your time and the fact that they walked away was actually a stroke of luck. I'm sorry that even to this day I don't let you be proud of yourself for how far you've come. I always make you dwell in negativity and try to drown you in your fears. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you that the sky was the limit and that you are amazing. I'm sorry I made you feel so alone when you didn't have to.

'm sorry I sucked all the confidence out of you and told you repeatedly that you would make a fool of yourself. I'm sorry I never made you realize your worth.
 

Here is the reality.
 

You are awesome. You are hard working, strong, focused, compassionate and a loving human being. I'm sorry it took so long for me to discover that. I'm sorry that I let you go for so long. I'm here now and I promise I will do everything in my power to ensure that you never feel this way again. Even if you do, I won't beat you up about it instead I'll be patient with you. I'll be here and keep reminding you that what you feel is just a feeling. I'll attack you with positivity and shower you with encouragement. When you do well and achieve a goal I'll let you truly feel that joy. I'll make sure you live in the moment. Most of all, I'll make sure you never give up.

© 2020 by MannMukti

MannMukti pledges to serve all South Asians, recognizing the power hierarchies in our communities, created and maintained by different identities of caste, language, geography, gender, sexuality, and religion that shape individuals' obstacles while seeking mental liberation.